Sooo ...

Saturday is the semi-finals round of the urban word competition.
It`s at the Nuyorican poets cafe.
I didn`t even finish writing my poem.
&& I gotta memorize.
of course .. I could improvise the whole thing.
Which i think i might do.
wish me luck.
=)

When people have nothing better to say or just feel like they just need to say something (cuz they talk alot && like attention), they complain.

January 20th, 2009

i`m soo fuckin sickk =/
i got the chills && my throat feels like someone put a blowtorch on that shit.
scorched && dry.
&& that phlegm shit is choking me to death.

but the inauguration was fuckin amaziing.

I thought that you of all people would understand where i`m comin from.
I never lie to you.
And you told me not to hide things from you.
You wanted to know me.
I give it all to you and i trust you to understand && not judge me.
don`t throw it back in my face please.

A relationship means being able to understand one another.
No lies, no censorship.
We should be able to tell each other ANYTHING that is going on in our minds or hearts.
We need to be able to communicate together evenly.
The strongest relationships gotta without a doubt be able to withstand anything.
Any problem/roadblock/fight/argument .. anything at all.
I`ve been putting this in && committed to 110 fuckin percent.
but I feel so one-sided right now.

How the fuck can i use this blog to talk about how i really feel and think when people keep getting upset at shit?
isn`t this my blog? aren`t i able to talk about whatever the fuck i wanna talk about?
so i have to hold my tongue cuz people i love don`t wanna hear about it ?
what the fuck kinda shit is that ?
if they don`t wanna hear about it then who the fuck do i tell? myself?
but they wanna know whats going on .. they want me to be me .. the real me.
so why u gotta be do hypocritical ?
I have serious shit in my life i wanna talk about and you`re the one getting upset?
aren`t i supposed to be the upset one?
so you`re gonna get upset and make it sound like our relationship is in jeopardy. instead of helping me .. or talking to me about it like you said you wanted to.
smart move.
so now i have to wait almost a whole fucking month till you come back so we can talk about it ?
and what do i have to do .. sit here and worry. cuz you said i should be worried.
don`t we love each other? what happened to the support system we had?
i still love you.
i have no idea what`s going on in your head or your heart.
so please clue me in && let me know whats going on.
tell me you still care && don`t make it sound like we`re in jeopardy.
or did you leave all that levelheadedness in Brooklyn?

To everyone:
Don`t EVER tell me that I should be worried. About ANYTHING. Let me do that on my own.

HAPPY BiRTHDAY AMY <3
yay 4 restaurants with really really good food =D
&& phantom of teh opera.

i gotta head to work in 5 1/2 hours.
5:00 in the muthafuckiin morn.
and i just left from work 3 hours ago.
i been there since noon today.
that`s ODDD man
i got like 4 hours to go && sleep
now.
chill homiee

i`m procrastinating.
i never find time to write.
&& my eyes feel so heavy right now but i can`t sleep.
urban word semi finals thing is the 31st.
Nuyorican poets cafe.
3-6 PM.
i can`t use my poem cuz of wack ass content restrictions ..
how the fuck can you put censorship on poetry? on how you feel && what you think?
that`s wackk as HELL.
wackerr than like bum ass bus drivers that see someone running && drive away.
so i gotta like think of new material
and have it ready/willing/able and memorized by then.
i only get one chance at this.
i better make it count.

ms DJ wants me to do her essay.
i don`t wanna let her down.
college applications are due.
i gotta do those.
but i had to go to work today.
&& friday/saturday/sunday.
i needed those extra hours.
and now it`s 11 PM monday night && i didn`t do shit.
all this shit is like due tomorrow.
so instead of doing the work
i said fuck it && got high.
and i`ll put it off AGAIN till tomorrow.
that`s how i roll.

i`m so fuckin fat.
i`m tryin to go on a diet and it`s not workin ..
wtf am i supposed to do ?

Life really takes a toll on you ..

Yeah, it does ..
Mixing school, work, friends, family .. it`s too much sometimes. I don`t have time for myself and it sucks
I remember when all I used to do was chill with peoples and get high and shit
That was fun cuz I didn`t worry about anything.
Now it`s like .. damn .. what the fuck ?
I don`t wanna fuckin think anymore. Or anything.
I really need to take like a break or a vacation before I like blow a fuse or some shit man.
&& missing my boyfriend doesn`t help.
He won`t be back till like mid Feb. right before Valentines day.
I miss him but i`m glad I got a break from him && he got a break from me.
Even though I got a break from him .. I still don`t have a break for myself.
This shit is killing me man.
I have no energy to do anthing i really actually want to do.

Resolutions ..

My resolutions for the new year ..

Take better care of my body.
As in .. get in shape .. be healthy .. all that good stuff.
Lose weight like every other person`s resolution is.

Don`t smoke anything.

Cuz that shits just bad for you ..

Work on managing my stress.
Cuz I worry too much for my own good, and that takes a huge toll on my life.
I can`t get shit done or enjoy anything when i`m worried.

Stop being scared ..
&& just live life. I don`t know why the fuck I was being all scared this year ..
Didn`t wanna take risks cuz I thought I was going to fuck up. I can`t do anything right
Which also leads into my next resolution ..

Try to be more confident && better self - esteem.

Cuz I guess deserve better and I am better, right?

Drink Less or don`t drink at all.
I have no control over my drinking && I have no self control at all when i`m drunk.
That shit can be scary sometimes man. I hate waking up not knowing what happened or how I got there. I gotta either have to know when enough is enough or not drink at all.
&& I bet those AA meetings suck anyways .. Who the hell wants that to be their last resort?

Think about me.
Cuz I`m too busy tending to everyone else && no one helps me. So I should do myself a favor && help myself every now && then.

Slow down.
I need to like .. stop && smell the roses .. take the time to enjoy life. I need to let go && live.

Yeah so that looks like a good list .. && it will keep me busy for a while .. let`s see how many I can follow through on ..
Actually .. I should also ..

Learn to follow through on goals && "promises" I make for myself.

&& happy belated new year ..
too bad i didn`t remember mine.
i was drunk as hell.

I got a whole bunch of new years resolutions .. but they`ll probably won`t work anyways