Merry Belated Xmas.
=)

THROWWBACKK !

yeah so I was bored .. looking through shit
&& I found some old ass throwback pics && poems from yours truly.
It`s crazy to see how much i`ve grown.
i`m such a completely different person now.



^^^ yeah .. I had to be like 12-14 in those pics .. && now i`m thinking .. what the fuck is a 12-14 yr. old doing with a tounge && lip piercing, makeup, taking pics on a webcam, && doing god (&& I) knows what else .. ?
I was && still am too grown for my own good.
I don`t even remember having a childhood .. I had to grow up fast because of whatever shit happened to me when I was young ..
I want a chance to be the kid I never got to be.
No drugs, No pain, No stress, No heartbreak.
Just careless fun && innocence.

OKKKK .. no more .. i`m starting to sound odee EMO.

I`m gonna end this with a goodnitee =)
I`ll post throwback poems && shit l8ter.
Quincy I love you <3

We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves - May Lamberton

Wack poem

Cuz i`m bored.
Enjoy the corny video game references =)

It`s a war zone down there && I can`t sleep.
Bombs are being thrown
Bullets firing
I feel like running for cover cuz of all the yelling && screaming.
It`s a war zone down there && I can`t sleep
especially since my man is the biggest suspect.
He`s been drafted into this war for years now,
fighting mystical creatures since he was young
&& like laundry being dried out && hung
he just drifts in the wind
running round fantasy deserts && deserted plains.
Getting caught bombing in the war torn rain.
&& I always pray that he`ll be okay
but he say
I`ll be up in a minute.
As I anxiously wait upstairs for his triumphant return
I`m scared he is MIA.
Missing in the action packed suspense of his game.
I want so badly for him to cuddle up with me in bed before I go insane
But he can`t .. && he don`t
Cuz it`s a war zone down there && he won`t sleep.
As he`s racing through dark alleyways of Metal Gear Solid && Halo 3
My mind is racing through thoughts
hoping leaving him won`t be my final fantasy.
Because I love him too much
But he won`t come to sleep
Until his friends finally sign offline
&& he murders every last enemy.
Constant zoning out && button mashing are my only fondest memories.
Cuz it`s a war zone down there && neither of us can sleep.
Now he finally returns as a Prisoner Of War.
Xbox && PS3 have captured his mind.
They torture me so bad when they make him play one more time
&& he can`t escape when vibrating controllers take hold of his tired fingers && eyes.
They look dry && bloodshot upon his return.
Redder than any enemy blood after bombings && burns.
Then he comes over to lay next to me.
I feel him gently kiss me on the cheek
Yet i`m quietly pretending to be asleep
so he won`t see my tears.
All choked up
not knowing what to do or say
Cuz I know he`s going to fight again
the very next day.
It`s a war zone down there && we can`t sleep.
When will there finally be peace ?

Reflection

So I have to reflect on my english project ..

The topic I`m writing about is food security. I`ve written about it before but I`m really interested and this project involves like a art related piece .. so it would be cool to do a collage or photo montage or something about it.

I don`t really have alot to say right now .. i`m real tired and not in a bloggin mood ..
I haven`t slept enough this whole week

But then again I can`t complain .. Ms. Arkin loses tons of sleep because she`s up worrying about us or working on our college stuff ..
And I bet all our teachers deal with the same ..
i probably get so much more sleep than them .. but still i`m tired .. i don`t have enough sleep to function ..

anyways .. food security .. not enough healthy produce in low income neighborhoods .. homeless with not enough food to eat .. food pantries and shelters with not enough food to give out .. growing obesity and diabetes problem .. recession causing unemployment to rise, causing homeless population to rise .. healthy food costs too much for people .. too much fast food and unhealthy food in low income neighborhoods all over NYC .. you get the point.

I`m looking foward to writing more about the issue and doing a cool photo collage or documentary =)

If only I didn`t have all this work to do.
The pressure is killing me.

December 10th, 2008

I feel extra lonely today =/
Today is real bummy ..

I actually did homework today .. 1st time in like a year man
and I really like sat down and did that shit .. and when I finished I had madd papers
with work on it ..
Bad thing is .. I didn`t finish my homework.

Check out Postsecret this week ..
It has alott of interesting secrets && I can relate to quite a few
www.postsecret.com

Urban Word discourages me every time I go.

It`s easy to have faith in yourself && have discipline when you`re a winner, when you`re number one. What you`ve got to have is faith && discipline when you`re not yet a winner - Vince Lombardi

November 28th, 2008

So I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving =)
it`s funny how I always eat more ham than turkey

So how was everyone`s Black Friday?
Whether you participate or not .. it`s OD crazyy ..
This is the 1st time I went shopping on black friday cuz I usually really hate shopping in huge crowded stores .. it`s wayy too chaotic .. but I really wanted to get a TV for my pops for xmas .. he really deserves it .. he works so hard for us to try to have a good life.
Anyways .. waiting on line was KILLER .. we got there at 2AM .. Best buy opened at 5 .. so we hadd quite a long time to wait.
When we got there, the line was already a couple blocks long && it was quickly growing
People were trying to cut lines, and rush ahead .. it was some crazy shit man.
Cops had to patrol the whole shit && get people to cooperate.
Best buy started giving out tickets at 3AM && opened at 5 .. we finally got in at 630 ..
It was insane .. i swear i never seen anything like that in my life .. some people were seriously acting like savages trying to get in
The line had to be AT LEAST half a mile long or more.
We did end up getting what we were looking for, && it was a good sale but damn ..

In Long Island on Black Friday today, a Wal-Mart employee got trampled to death by the shoppers waiting in line .. Link
Thousands of people were lined up to hit the deals at Wal-Mart && when the doors opened up, they ran in and fuckin trampled him man ..
People cracked windows && even dented the metal doors && took them off the hinges ..
When employees were trying to get people out of the store because someone had died, no one even cared .. they just kept shopping

What happened to human beings? Aren`t we supposed to be civilized people? I thought we had morals, ethics. This is some crazy shit .. People were acting like savages && wild animals all for discounted shit we don`t even really need but want .. Things we think we need to survive.
This doesn`t make us any better than any animal that doesn`t know any better .. We`re acting like we don`t know any better .. Like there`s nothing wrong with taking someones life over something like material things.

It`s like we`re slaves to consumer products. We`re slaves to the dollar && the discount.

&& at the same time, as we speak, terrorist attacks are happening in Mumbai, India .. Poeple are being taken hostage, murdered .. lives are being stolen.

We`re not human beings anymore, were monsters.

It`s a damn shame.

The human race will quickly learn to live sustainably once its greatest minds are no longer awestruck by egotistical ideologies and theologies that divide humanity, and no longer find themselves wasting valuable human and natural resources in the development, design, production, marketing and sales of worthles products. - Earon Davis

can`t

I don`t think i can do this urban word thing.
I went to the 1st meeting thing today and .. damn ..
these people are soo much better than me ..
my shit is like amatuer nursery rhymes compared to their shit.
i`m thinking of just stopping here and not competing.
ima make a damn fool outta myself if i step on stage
i don`t think i`m ready for this.

November 21st, 08

I made it farther along ..
to the Urban Word semi-finals
=D

Poetry is thoughts that breathe, and words that burn. - Thomas Gray

hoela.

i`m scared about tomorrow. nervous. gut wrenching. stomach ache - acid churning .. fear.
i just gotta keep thinking .. i`ll never see these people again. I have nothing to lose. If I do bad, they`ll just be happier that I helped them get closer to winning.
Mabey I should picture the whole naked audience thing .. ?
I don`t even know how big of an audience this is going to be. Hopefully it is just the small group of judges.

Old poem. About my fav. place. Born && raised =)

Brooklyn

My Home.

It smells like ..

The burnin of bud in a rolled philly blunt.

Newport 100 `s smoked to the butt.

Food, a variety to choose from in our diverse meltin pot.

The smell of sweat in the summer, just people havin fun, no front.

It tastes like ..

The cold hard cement, as your almost struck by a stray shot.

Barbeque ribs, burgers && chicken from that party down the block.

Dirty ass money, hustlers oblivious to get caught.

Ashes && debris, 9/11 we bravely fought.

It sounds like ..

Car alarms ringing off, drivers runnin red lights.

The silent hum of bums, surviving the streets with all their might.

The roar of dolla vans along Utica && Flatbush, that `s the Brooklyn life.

Artists workin hard, dreamin to shine with NYC `s bright lights.

It looks like ..

Dirty, filthy subways, the only way to get around.

Those hilarious transit signs of the lost && found.

The home of Big Papa, Brooklyn `s Hip Hop crowned.

Family, friends, food, baby mama drama so loud.

It feels like ..

Up `s && down `s and Highs && low `s.

Noisy, raging, crazy, sexy, cool

&& so,

that `s what makes us so unique, tourists flock to this abode.

No matter what, this will always be

my heart, my soul.

My home.

Brooklyn.

Urban

Word.

College Fair && Poetry Slam at Madison Sq. Garden .. Sat. 11/15 10AM-5PM
IT`S FREE !
So def. go check it out

www.knickspoetryslam.com
www.urbanwordnyc.com

I think I am gonna audition for that poetry slam .. you get money for college if you win .. so that would be some HOT FiA type shitt =P
The poems have to be a min long. After you get called back from auditions .. you do the whole like semi-finalist/finalist thing and go to some workshops .. but hey .. I really need that college money and I would love to perform .. only .. i`m hella nervous .. I care WAY too much about what people think of me .. and I always think people think negatively towards me so that don`t help ..
Anyways .. this is the poem i`m performing .. it`s like 3 mins. long right now so I`m gonna have to super edit && condense so it can fit the guidelines.
Wish me luck ?
It kinda sucks.

Love.
Dictionary definition :
A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
This is the beautiful feeling I have for my boyfriend, you see,
Behind my slighty slanted almond eyes,
and his deep, dark chocolate skin
lies a love so sweet, even Hershey`s can`t create.
Locked up in chains of passion so strong,
no man can break.
With compassion and caring so nice,
no devil can take.
Well, then how come as soon as we`re out in public
all I can feel is hate ?
As we sit holding hands on the Uptown B
I look around feeling extremely uneasy
I then notice all eyes are on me
and as soon as the doors open up to 34th Street,
A woman walks slowly up to our seat
and that`s when she says -
Stay with your own damn kind.
He don`t want you.
She looks at us disgustingly and leaves
as we stare in speechless shock.
No yelling out curse words,
no flipping the bird,
Just .. Silence.
Like a deer caught in societies headlights,
eyes lost in a whirl
not knowing what to do or say,
or what action to take,
I`m feeling like I gotta hurl,
but all that spews out is - anger
flaming through me higher than a 50 cent crack lighter
and while my boyfriend tries to calm me down a bit faster,
all that runs through my mind now is - confusion.
How - how can we be living in the worlds diverse melting pot,
only to find a leak
and because of ignorance,
we go out and seek -
a quick fix.
As rich culture drips out, racism, sexism, and assimilation
gets poured in
to replace the space with which we create
and a Government band - aid covers the hole to save face.
Now how can we save the face of this earth ?
We all need to learn, not degrade
and we need to teach our children to love, not to hate.
We can`t just see the world in black and white,
and we gotta get together to end the violence and strife
and instead,
willingly replace knives with pens,
and use our mouths as guns
to shoot out words of wisdom and silly puns
to stab out hearts with love and feelings of grace
so we can listen to each other in non - judgemental embrace.
We .. need .. to .. love.
Sitting holding hands on the Uptown B
Now we`ve reached 59th Street
And as I slowly doze off in my boyfriends arms
I picture us twisting and contorting,
morphing - into a beautiful striped bumblebee.
Pollenating words of justice as if it we`re the next best allergy.
Stinging the minds of the ignorant with understanding.
Until they no longer see us in black and yellow,
but in red.
The color of the fire and passion in our souls
and the color of the lust and care in our hearts.
Red.
That`s the color of love.

Yes We Can.

It`s crazy, I`ve never really felt this way before in my life. I feel .. like .. empowered, mabey even reborn?
I have new hope for the future of my life and for our country.

I`ve actually never been involved in politics before this election. Something in him made me tune in && want to learn && be interested in the politics of this country.
I feel so great that he was elected because I know he will make a change, && because he really did something to people. He made so many people decide to get up && help to change their lives && their future .. he empowered so many people to vote .. people who have never voted in their lives got up && waited on block long lines just to cast their ballot for him. That`s some powerful shit man. I wish I could`ve voted, but now I know I will want to when the time comes that I can vote.

It`s so amazing for me to be a part of such an important piece of history like this. He`s opened up doors for all people of color to persue dreams of higher learning, and power, and he proves that anything is possible. Seriously.

Mabey one day we`ll see an asian, latino, && a woman become president.

Everyone gets stuck in a rut from time to time, and it`s up to us as the United States of America to stand up as one && progress towards a better future for ourselves, and our next generations to come, and I think Obama is going to be the person to lead us in doing that .. Especially with him being bi-racial .. he has seen && experienced both sides of the story, && because he is two ethnicities mixxed as one, he can help us break the color lines and be in unity as one.

I feel like finally, I have a president who won`t forget about us, the low && middle class of this country. We make up the majority of this nation and I`ve never felt like any president we had has helped us enough && given us what we need to better our life situations.
I hope that whoever was involved in this huge mark of history will be empowered and encouraged to break down barriers and work together towards a new, peaceful America.
One step at a time.

Remember all the people who fought so hard && risked their lives just to put that 15th amendment - the right to vote - onto the constitution .. all the people who dedicated their lives to change, and killed Jim Crowe, and fought on to the path of equality.
Every vote counts.

If you`re walking down the right path && you`re willing to keep walking, eventually you`ll make progress - Barack Obama

Fat

The body you have is not good enough, and thin would be better.

I`m stuck

in a rut. like always.
My emotions are all like mixxed up and stirred, but I don`t really know what exactly is to blame.
Partly cuz of my bf.
I love him to death && Sometimes, more often than not, I feel like he doesn`t love me.
I talked to him about it before. He says he just doesn`t show his emotions like that.
So what am I supposed to think or feel?
I can`t just be okay with that .. I`m a WOMAN. And I need to feel loved && appreciated by my man. I love him with every ounce of my body, heart, and soul and I will never hesitate to show him that.
He`s real different from the typical type of man I was looking for, but there`s really no problem with that .. We disagree alot .. Some of his characteristics personality-wise are things I really don`t like at all in a man, but I love him anyways .. Which I guess is the Libra in me, trying to keep in balance.
I have alot of patience, but I honestly don`t know how much longer I can hold on. I`ve been holding on for the past year && a half, fighting && not fighting, breaking up && getting back together.
Bottom Line .. I love him. He loves me, I know it but I don`t feel it. We disagree .. ALOT.
We have a million && one plans for the future, and plan on carrying them out.
I just want him to change, a little .. mabey a little more than that.
And I know I gotta change some of myself too.
I`m willing to do that for him .. No idea if he is willing to do that for me.
What`s wrong with shaping a man to what I want him to be?
I have all the faith and confidence in the world for us.

On a diff. note .. how do you get music up on this joint? I wanna know.
I wanna smoke a big ass bluntt.

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope or confidence. - Helen Keller

Zzzz

Looks like I didn`t get to sleep right when I got home ..
I met up with my boyfriend right after school and spent the rest of the day with him
Ahh .. we`re so opposite, but I still love him to death <3
Looks like I get to sleep now ..
Nitee =)

There is a crack in everything, That`s how the light gets in - Leonard Cohen

Hmm .. Update ..

I realized i`m too busy to be keeping up this blog but i`m gonna do the best I can

It`s a grade anyways ..

Last Thurs. was my bday .. that was fun .. chilled/handled my business && did what I had to do.

I feel like I should have turned 17 years ago .. it`s like my mind and body is soo much older than the numbers say. This birthday wasn`t that important to me.

Yesterday I got my 1st Starbucks paycheck =)

After taxes that paycheck looked like shit man .. But we get alot of cool benefits .. free healthcare/dental, discounts on like everything, free drinks, food discounts, and college money .. && lord knows how bad I need that money for college. 

Speaking of college .. i`m getting sick of it && I`m not even there yet. I just wanna go to any college that will take me and go from there. The education is the same everywhere to me. It`s what you make of it that enriches your learning.

I`ve been real stressed out and shit lately .. school takes up soo much time with college applications and homework .. plus I work at Starbucks and at the Farmers Market .. and Lynn has me doing all these events and stuff everywhere .. Trying to manage all that with friends/family/and a barely there boyfriend really gets to me. I have no time for myself because I`m always doing things for other people. That`s the way it`s always been, but i`m a libra .. it`s my nature to put others first. I guess it`s also my nature to take on a whole bunch of tasks and balance those out together .. Doing these things makes me happy, but sometimes I would like a chance to just relax and enjoy time. Quiet time.

I`m soo glad I don`t have to work today .. i`m just working 4 days this week at starbucks and one day at the market .. so i have 2 days off kinda .. after school.

Last week, I worked Monday through Friday right after school, 12 hours on Sat. and 12 hours on Sun. && had to deal with school .. which sucks. 

I am working real hard at my jobs .. Shane && Gio said I would make a good manager, && Tome told me that Soon enough, Ridgewood market could me mine, and I would be the manager or like overseer of it =) And all that took me was 4/5 months. I love the job at the market, even though I know I gotta deal with rude ass people 24/7 I love it and I don`t wanna leave.

I know Starbucks isn`t like a career type job, but I wanna move my way up and prove that I am dedicated to the company and my job and just helping people. I plan on being manager one day .. you know how much they get paid? Alot. A whole lot.

I`m SOOO FUCKIN TIRED. So i`m gonna go straight home today && sleep!

yeah man.

I`ve got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom - Thomas Carlyle

One Mic

Here I Am. 1st blog entry of my life. Ms. DJ said that this will be our homework for english class .. which works out for me cuz i`d rather type than write. I always wanted to start a blog but I was too damn lazy so at least she pushed me in the right direction .. I have no choice since it`s a homework grade. I might as well make the best of it since this is something I have to do ..
School is soo boring .. yeah, that`s just some typical high school shit that every kid says. Some stupid ass person stole the spacebar off this computer so I have to keep pressing the little ass button in the middle and it is SOO annoying. Who the hell steals computer keys? That`s madd retarded.
I have work today after school. I just started working at Starbucks && it`s not so bad. It`s money right? Considering I get health benefits, easy raises, and flexible hours, I`m set for a 17 yr. old. Actually, 17 This thursday. I`m still technically 16.
I`m tired, but I gotta deal .. I`ve always been pretty independent and I like it that way =)
Soo .. check me outt
I`m gonna be here 2 times a week at least, (homework requirements) mabey more.
I can say whatever the fuck I wanna say whenever I wanna say it && I`m cool with that cuz usually, I don`t speak my mind and say my real feelings as often as I should.

I`m outt && I`ll leave you with a cool quote ..

Creativity has got to start with humanity and when you`re a human being, you feel, you suffer. - Marilyn Monroe